Let’s Try to Predict Whatever Fresh Hell the Grammys Have in Store for Us This Year

Greetings, dear reader. You have surely come here to get an idea of what artists will win the major Grammys come February 10. I have some bad news: There’s no telling what the hell the Grammys are going to do. The only thing consistent about the Grammys is that the winners are just as baffling as the artists the Recording Academy chooses to nominate.

This year, the Album of the Year category has been expanded from five artists to eight artists so it can include elevated art like Beerbongs & Bentleys by Post Malone. And although talented artists like Cardi B, Brandi Carlile, Janelle Monae, Kacey Musgraves, Kendrick Lamar (for the Black Panther album, which is a weird choice after being repeatedly snubbed by these voters) were nominated for Album of the Year—it’s truly stunning that Ariana Grande, Travis Scott, and J Balvin are nowhere to be found in this category. Meanwhile, Jay-Z and Beyonce were ignored in the major categories, along with Teyana Taylor, Mitski, Snail Mail, Juice WRLD, Noname, Soccer Mommy, and many more.What will happen at the 2019 Grammys? No one—even the voters themselves—know what the Grammys are going to do. So here’s my best guess.Album of the YearInvasion of Privacy, Cardi BBy the Way I Forgive You, Brandi CarlileScorpion, DrakeH.E.R., H.E.R.Beerbongs & Bentleys, Post MaloneDirty Computer, Janelle MonaeGolden Hour, Kacey MusgravesBlack Panther: The Album, Kendrick LamarWho Will Win: This is a really fucking weird group of nominees. And after Bruno Mars’s 24k Magic beat out Kendrick Lamar’s Damn, Childish Gambino’s Awaken, My Love, Jay-Z’s 4:44, and Lorde’s Melodrama in 2018, I have no faith left in this category. Why is Kendrick’s Black Panther soundtrack nominated here? Is it a consolation prize for screwing him last year? Is it so they can get him or his many collaborators to perform at the ceremony then not give them an actual award? Probably. Here’s a crazy fact. Drake has been nominated for 42 Grammys and only won three. After the record breaking success of Scorpion, it’s likely time for the Recording Academy to give Drake his Album of the Year. Why? Because it’s among the weakest albums in his catalog, but the Recording Academy that likes anything that makes money.Who Should Win: No other artist commanded the charts and the conversation like Cardi B did in 2018. If Album of the Year meant anything, Invasion of Privacy would be the 2018 Album of the Year.Grammys Gonna Grammy: Watch them give it to Post Malone, just to own the libs.Song of the Year“All the Stars”“Boo’d Up”“God’s Plan”“In My Blood”“The Joke”“The Middle”“Shallow”“This Is America”Who Will Win: Look, I guess I’m going to put my money on Drake this year, pretty much for the reasons outlined above. Although, in this case, “God’s Plan” is actually a good song. Drake released it in early 2018 and the thing pretty much dominated the charts for the next 12 months.Who Should Win: No other song captured the spirit, the outrage, and the frustration in America in the summer of 2018 like Childish Gambino’s “This Is America.” The video and the song have become cultural cornerstones of this time in this country. And, the song was clever enough to package these themes into a radio friendly bop.Grammys Gonna Grammy: I love “Shallow” as much as the next white person, but it’s not as much a song as it is a handful of choruses stuck together with masking tape. The structure is baffling, but no one is paying attention to that once Lady Gaga’s AAAHHHHHHHAAAHHHAAAAAHAHAHAA comes in.Record of the Year”I Like It,” Cardi B“The Joke,” Brandi“This Is America,” Childish Gambino“God’s Plan,” Drake“Shallow,” Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper“All the Stars,” Kendrick Lamar and SZA“Rockstar,” Post Malone ft. 21 Savage“The Middle,” Zedd, Maren Morris, GreyWho Will Win: Do you remember last year when Bruno won literally every major category? Yeah, I’m predicting that again this year, but for Drake. Because what is Drake other than a hip-hop version of Bruno Mars?Who Should Win: Again, “This Is America” was by far the most defining song of this year, but, I think this is a category that Cardi B’s “I Like It” also deserves to win. Grammys Gonna Grammy: Record of the Year is a category that recognizes the artist’s performance and the producers, engineers, etc. who contribute to making and recording the song. So, horrible, misogynist, braindead lyrics aside, the Grammys are sure to recognize a nauseating, repetitive half-drunk chant of three notes.Best New ArtistChloe x HalleLuke CombsJorja SmithDua LipaBebe RexhaGreta Van FleetMargo PriceH.E.R.Will Win: This category—somehow more than the others—is always a fucking tossup. I truly believe that the majority of the Recording Academy voters have no idea who any of these people are and just randomly pick a name. That said, they’ll probably go with Greta Van Fleet, because even though this is a band that “did weed exactly once, called the cops, and tried to record a Led Zeppelin album before they arrested themselves,” the Grammys LOVE to pretend that rock music is still relevant while also giving this award to the act guaranteed to go on to do absolutely nothing at all.Who Should Win: I was as shocked as anyone when Chance the Rapper actually won this category in 2017. So maybe this year they’ll give this award to Dua Lipa, an artist who’s poised to become the next great pop star.Grammys Gonna Grammy: Seriously, watch them give it to Greta Van Fleet, a band that not even Robert Plant likes. I’m going to be honest: I feel bad for these kids.

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